Should I be worried? Cuz I kinda am... Maybe I should stop responding? But, I just don't think I can.. Gah.. What if I'm just blowing this up in my head..

(2/2) like up is down and down is up. I want to say back off, but I'm so curious to see how far this will go. But I'm so worried this will ruin everything.

(1/2) They say curiosity killed the cat.. How much curiosity did it take?

I don't know what to think anymore. If my mind is playing tricks on me. But it feels

(2/3) that week I had my hair down that I honestly felt pretty. And the night of the show when he was flirting and touching me the entire night. Made me feel

(3/3) pretty. I'm okay right now. I feel like I can keep on waiting for now.

(1/3) I feel like I should feel upset or lonely right now. Laying in my double bed alone. Iunno. I usually start feeling upset when I feel ugly. But there was

Tired of feeling like a disappointment. Tired of feeling like I'm slowly  being replaced. I see people aren't needing or wanting me anymore. Too tired to make a change but feeling horribly depressed because this has been the only thing that's given me a purpose lately. I don't care about school anymore. I don't really care about anything anymore. I feel like I can't completely trust any of my friends. I feel disgusting of myself, both my appearance and personality. I feel unwanted in all aspects of my life. I am not driven anymore and I've lost the fight, fire, and passion of music. What else do I have going for me? My family is sick of me, my mother thinks I'm shit. The only 2 people I feel remotely close to is either off in Utah or my teacher who can't take sides. My other "friends" seem either flakey or terrible people. No boyfriend, no real job. What do I have going for me??


I'm tired of sleeping in the middle of my double bed holding on to a stuffed animal and try to make myself dream that this one friend secretly has a crush on me and is going to sweep me up in his arms and kiss me. I'm just so tired of feeling so alone. I hate it so much that my friends jump from relationship to relationship and I'm sitting here watching it. I hate that I'm always the third wheel. I hate that I'm always the fat and ugly friend and feel like my pretty friend is just taking pity on me. I hate feeling that every single friend I have is prettier than me. I hate being on the sidelines watching relationships unfold or fall apart. I miss being welcomed, wanted, and loved. So much. It hurts how much I miss these simple feelings everyone else gets to experience. It's not fair. Haven't I worked hard to get this? Don't I deserve it?

(..) that they've been in a relationship. They were trying to avoid drama. So she gets all pissed off that he's dating another girl even though she hasn't only thought of him while they were dating. God I'm so tired of her childish attitude. I don't fucking care that I'm supposed to be a friend to her in
this hard time, she's a self-centered CHILD who has no place trying to ruin people's lives because it doesn't suit her. I don't want a person like that in my life. I wish I could just get away from all of these terrible people I'm surrounded by who keep causing me feel so negative about the work I do. Who  make me doubt what I think is right and killed what I had considered fun and worthy of what I've been given and the experiences I've had. I'm just so done with everything.

Absolutely depressed on that job. I've had such a higher standard for this and it makes me want to cry.

"Tribal mothers always tell their children that there are two kinds of anger: hot and cold. Boys and girls experience both, but as they grow up the angers separate according to the sex. Boys need hot anger to survive. They need the inclination to fight, the drive to sink the knife into the flesh, the energy  and initiative of fury. It's a requirement of hunting, of defense, of pride. Maybe sex too. And girls need cold anger. Thet need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the sidestepping of compromise. They need to know when they say something that they will never back down, ever, ever. It's the compensation for a more limited scope in the world. Cross a man and struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on - or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the universe is changed, once again, for cold anger requires an eternal vigilance in all matters of slight and defense."