Hmm I should bite my tongue. He just broke it off with me...

Yesterday was a long looonnggg day. Concert went pretty well. I think I did pretty well. Made a couple really stupid mistakes, but no biggie.

He didn't end up making it, which isn't that big of a deal, I didn't think he'd end up going. Plus he was with his mom, not too bothered. I was busy after the concert cleaning up and then chatting with Maki, I just wanted to go home afterwards. The other brothers there decided to go bowling, I decided against that too. "Bonding" they said. lol I said I've already bonded with you guys, I'm tired of you all! SLEEP! lol

So I went home and watched a little TV and ate a ton since I ate a little bit throughout the day (2 Hot Pockets the entire day x.x). Nico kept trying to buy me meals, I kept telling him no. I'm worried he's growing much more attached than he should be. I don't want to tell him cold that I'm not interested. Plus I can't say that I'm unavailable... Even though, in my mind, I am.

I'm so sleepy.. I'm on campus doing the Percussion Ensemble because Maki asked me too, but I really don't feel like throwing on another ensemble.. I already want to drop Saxophones. I'm glad MACCC is done, one less thing to worry about. I dunno, I'm just mentally checking out on everything here on campus..

I want to go home...

Oh, something that put a smile on my face, he got rid of 'single' on his status on FB :) I did that last week lol

I wish he would text me. I miss him and I wish I could see him. I'm hoping I can see him tonight. He likes Mic Gilette, I hope he goes. I should be able to get him a free ticket, but he needs to contact me. I sent him a bunch of text last night but I never heard back from him..

I'm too clingy lol But I like hearing from him when I go to sleep, I always sleep with a smile when I do.

Alrighty, I'm good for now. I found him on FB chat, I shall harass lol

I miss him lol..

He's out with his mom right now. Hopefully he can make it to the concert.

He said he'd try.. I doubt we'd act couply anyways, everyone would be around so I don't expect it. But it'd be nice lol

Good way to tell everyone that we're dating lol

Wow it's been a bit since I last posted...

The parentals had to get rid of the interwebs for the phones so it's been tough to keep up with anything. I haven't checked FaceBook since then. Life has been so slow since then! Le'sigh... :( lol

But let's see... So we had a date on Tuesday after I got out of my lesson. He picked me up and we went to Fuzio's. Which btw, isn't that great, which I could have told him, but he was determined to keep it a secret lol Major dork! But he made me try callamari. I pretty much mean made.. I really didn't want to try it.. I mean it's octopus! But we had good chat, and I gave him a hard time over every little thing (duh lol) So it was fun :)

And then we went to Brenden's to watch Shutter Island. Weird movie btw. I never had heard of it. But it was pretty good. We got all hand holdy cuddly about 2/3 through the movie and I was happy :) lol Left the place with him holding my side and then my hand. It was cute :) lol

We left after and he took me to my car, right before hand a little bit of kissing and he walked me to my car (it was raining and he was holding his umbrella.

Over a good night! lol

So we text regularly still, nothing big since then since I've been busy with the honor band that MJC is hosting here. That's been insane! lol They had to move the percussion over at 9 (I slept in, which I felt a little guilty about) and then they taped up all their signs. I had to finish making the audition folders since Maki was freaking out. After was a pretty long waiting game. I didn't feel the need to audition since I'm on Bari Sax, but now I'm kinda wishing I did since there's freaking 5 Baris... How annoying!

The band is very good as usual. I think Dr. Hammer's methods are very interesting. I've never seen anything like him. I'm pretty impressed with the different things he was able to accomplish in just a day and a half.

I like the music, I'm not all that happy how Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia- happy he is, but then again he's a brother of theirs. At least with the High School Honor Band, he raved Kappa Kappa Psi while we were there. That was nice. Oh well, but the music is pretty good. I'm tired of The Sinfonians and His Honor. His Honor is a MoBand standard and we played Sinfonians last year in Night Band (lame!). But the other 2 are amazing. I'm excited to hear how we'll perform it tonight.

Anyways, the other Bari Saxes seem okay. One I know from playing with him last year, but he was a prick then and still is.. But the 2 on either side of me are pretty kick ass. A lot of fun, then again they're straight out of high school, so they don't know any better lol. The other guy... I forget he's ever there lol He's so quiet, and he's not too spectacular of a player, he doesn't talk to us much. I wish I auditioned, no one else did so I would have gotten it, but I do think I can hold my own pretty well with these guys. I think in some ways I'm better than them. That one prick has the worst tone ever (and I play on plastic!), the guy between us doesn't seem too spectacular, but haven't heard much wrong. The guy on the other side of us is a good performer, but he misses little things like key signature and dynamics. And that last guy.. lol Like I said, I dunno!

I'm kinda happy how I've progressed since last year. I can very much see it, I'm not as timid about my playing like last year. In fact, I get annoyed at how the others play. I'm proud of myself lol

Well the concert is gonna be at 7:30, MJC bands have rehearsal at 6:00 and I need to get ready for that. So I'll be off to get ready.

Any more posts will be baby posts I send in by text!

I'm excited about this afternoon! I don't know what's gonna happen, but I'm just happy to have some alone time with him :)

I do believe I have a date on Tuesday! I dunno! But I'm uber excited! We'll be getting together and he'll be surprising me lol

Heaven, I'm in heaven...

lol I love being this happy!

My night still got better! I got home and found the new season of FMA on! Yay! And then Buffy! I'm getting sleepy :) He needs to hurry up and respond ^^

Had a great time tonight! I got to hang out with Kelly and James. Played Snowboard Kids and whooped their butts (for the most part, James beat me one time). They played Super Smash Brothers to finish up the video games.

James left for a little bit after dinner and Kelly and I had some good girl bonding time. Chatted about the brief bit of the drama from the last semester. I told her about my little problems from the last week. Nothing to extreme, just my little bit of feelings. It was nice :)

James came back and we finished the night with a couple episodes of Chuck. She liked it too! lol Made plans for next Friday night, gotta drag him there lol Should be another dose of fun :)

I feel a lot better, he was texting me throughout the night and I had a smile on my face that entire time. I do need to ask what happened this last week, and I do plan on it, but I'm going to enjoy my little bit of happy. :)

Good night all! <3

It's amazing. He text me like a normal convo and all the anxiety just lifted. Nothing has been discussed, but just seeing his text makes me feel better.

Found a decent distraction. I forgot I had Kingdom Hearts 2! lol But I'm just trying to finish the damn mini-games. I hate mini-games..

I think I'm blowing chunks at this lol

I'm gonna be ready for a nap if I keep this up. It's been a while since I last played. I think I'll work on this for a while. Put in some Family Guy (which I've discovered is not really a funny show. It's the same thing over and over again.. Meh lol) that I got for my b-day and maybe do some cleaning. Who knows.

Kelly invited me over for some video games this evening, but I'm debating on cancelling. I'm really not good company right now. Yesterday I was being some serious dead weight on Samantha, but I just didn't want to be home with my mom yelling at me.

Hmm what to do, what to do.

For now I shall continue KH2! lol

Maybe find some better mini-games... Grr... Damn mini-games!

You know, if it wasn't for food, I'd be quite content to just stay in bed all weekend..

He won't be talking to me today for sure. He's got plans with his friend that's gonna be taking up the rest of the day. In the past, he'd text me and send me pics of what he's up to, but I seriously doubt it today.

I don't want to call him out for being such a jerk to me. Because who knows, maybe he's just trying to figure shit out and he'll contact me when he's ready. I'd rather wait and maybe something good would come of this.

I hope so at least.

I think I'm gonna talk to Mary about this later in the week. He's gonna be furious if/when I do. She's very protective of me and would bitch him out if she knew what was up. He already got upset when I tell her stupid shit like 'he's teasing me' or something. This would definately ruin any chance we had.

I dunno what to do.

God I'm miserable.

And now I'm getting pissed off. He's ignoring my text. He responded to the official one quickly enough, but when I ask him why so quiet, he's silent.

I cannot believe how miserable I am. I'm at Samantha's and I figured that if I just stay in her company I'll feel better. I think she's starting to get tired of all the shit I'm bitching I'm doing. I feel bad so I'm just trying to stop bitching outloud.

Why won't he text me?? I haven't seen him online. Even then I wouldn't message him.


I feel like he's leading me on, he made me happy for that night. Just holding me, making me feel wanted. And now I feel like I've never been lonlier.

I was okay being single for so long, I've been used to not emotionally rely on anyone. Not to an extreme. I've opened myself up to him and then at the pure idea of us being together made me so happy. I had a sense of release and now I'm just in limbo.. I'm so freaking miserable.

He better god damn talk to me tonight. I swear I'm about to freaking cry from all the moods from this week. I don't know how much more I can take.

I really don't want to go tonight.. I don't want to see him right now. I just wish he would text me. I'm really unhappy.

He still hasn't text me. I'm really upset and annoyed. I'm trying to not be the one to text, but I miss him.

I get attached too fast.

So I never ended up texting him. I fell asleep right after I posted. Sad thing is he never text me. I was hoping I'd see his name in my missed texts when I woke up and I'm still pretty upset over that.

I don't want to be the forward one and just keep texting him, I want him to bug me. Like he used to.. I am starting to regret what happened between us, as amazing as it was, because I feel like I'm losing a very important friend because my mentality and attitude has changed about him. I'm overthinking everything I do to try to seem casual and relaxed, but instead I look overbearing and borderline crazy.

He wants to keep this quiet for now because he's a private guy. I completely respect that. I was thinking that myself since my friends tend to meddle too much in other people's lives. But he's barely acknowledging me. I'm scared that he's just gonna have his one night with me and them act like it never happened. He said we should go on a date, so he *wants to be with me?* I dunno..

I really am okay with some things. I'm okay that he wants to keep it quiet, I'm okay that we haven't had a chance to set up a date. I'm okay that he's not my 'boyfriend'. I'm a little bummed out that 'private' probably means lack of PDA. Sorry, but I've always liked kissing and holding my boyfriends hands with other people around. But I'll survive, that's not a biggie. What I'm not okay with is the serious lack of attention I've been receiving from him. I'd imagine he'd maybe just give me a look, or something, when people are around, just to show he's thinking of me. Or maybe random cute texts from him. But, seriously, I'm not getting anything. I'm not okay with the fact that I feel very trashy from Tuesday. I feel that since we haven't done anything or said anything since, that I was supposed to be a one night stand. I feel dirty because of it. He's not that guy. I know he isn't. And I'm terrified because I'm afraid to be proved wrong. I really hate this.

I care about him and he's always on my mind. I always want to talk to him but I don't want to be clingy.

I'm sure once I see some kind of action, one way or another, I can deal and move forward. Whether it's dating him or hating him. I really hope it's the former.. I really really do.

Anyways, I'm waiting to hear back from Samantha. I'm gonna avoid texting him today I think. Or at least, let him text first.

I hate being a girl sometimes. I know I overreact because of it. My mind goes into overdrive and spewing out all these insane scenerios. I'm fully well-aware that I'm doing it, but I can't do anything about it. I need something from him to calm me down. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

I'm just so confused what to do right now. I really feel like I'm just overthinking all of this, but that still just leaves me so freaking confused.

I invited him to join me and Kelly to go play video games and he said he couldn't since he already had plans. He very sincerly appologized and I pretty much brushed him off saying 'Don't worry, it was nothing'. I was hurt. While asking him, I said 'I was hoping we'd be able to hang out'.

I mean, look what we did! He expected, I think, that'd I'd just throw myself to him to have his way. I swear, if I was younger I might have. But I let him fool around, but I drew the line. I hadn't been kissed or touched like that in years, I let more of myself go than I meant to I think. Right now I don't regret it. I feel like it'll work out. But he hasn't really talked to me or looked at me that way since. I was hoping that after the thing at Wing Stop he'd invite me to go hang out with him or some other bullshit. I needed him to hold me. He touched me and now I barely get his attention. I'm borderline miserable right now.

He's a good guy, I know it. But I need something from him to not let me feel so trashy. If he just held my hand for a second or just look at me that way, just to remind me he cares about me, I'd be okay I think.

Even just a text with his little dorky nicknames or insults, or a phone call. We text okay, but it's so... I dunno.. formal sounding?

Anyways, so I'm somewhat cold to him I suppose. He never responded (which, granted, isn't that weird, gets stuck playing video games lol) to any of my texts from a few hours ago. He usually would send a stupid smiley to shows he acknowledged it. But nothing :( I feel so stupid. I dunno how tomorrow is gonna work, but tonight is sucking. The last few nights I've been talking to him right before I go to sleep, tonight, I'm not hearing from him. I don't like not talking to him.

God, I am clingy.. Maybe I should back off. I dunno.. He said we should go on a date, but we haven't made any plans. Personally, I consider us 'dating' yet we haven't dated, but I definately don't consider him a boyfriend.

I should just go to sleep and forget about this.. I doubt I'll sleep that well thinking he's mad at me. No, he's rarely 'mad' at me. Just when I don't alter my opinion to his liking lol. He'll have to get used to that lol

I'm thinking about sending another text.

Or I could just almost fall asleep like I just did lol

Okay, sleepytime. For now I suppose. I'm still thinking about texting him..

Wish he would talk to me. I feel like I'm clingy, but I want to talk to him. I really hope I don't regret what happened between us. I really care about him.

They want me to head over :) I can't wait to see him lol

I hope it's a good thing of why they want me to come....

Now I'm nervous...

I trust them, it should be okay.

Fwd:
Sent: Feb 18 5:21pm
Msg: Samantha Christine Molina "A butt can't be cute, it's a butt." (Diary of a Whimpy Kid commercial).

Had a great lunch with Mary. Hanging out with Samantha now :) I luffs my buddies. More to come!

I need some water.. It'll settle my tummy..

So I never ended up falling asleep last night after talking to him. I just couldn't get my mind to shut down. When I started getting ready later that morning, I was fine. Smiling and happy (he was still on my mind). I made myself a mocha to treat myself for getting ready this morning and had a proper breakfast. I took Daniella to school and then went on my way to school.

When I was halfway there, it hit me hard on how tired I was. I couldn't believe it. So I got to campus, found my parking spot and just fell asleep. I text Heather to call me so I could make it to Theory since I usually ignore my alarm lol. I couldn't believe I fell asleep in my car lol. Never thought I'd be able to.

So now Sabre is all pissy at me for missing Aural again and not doing my homework.. Meh..

Oh, and that nice mocha I made? Is making me feel sick.. Lame..

Wow, I'm happy. I hope this works out, I really do. I can't stop smiling. I wish I could be more vocal about it, but it's not the right time. Very soon, I hope.

At Jan's Mardi Gras and feeling a little stupid. I crave his attention, but I won't do anything about it. She's just a flirt and he's just having a good time.

Yay for Rekindled Friendships!

So I started talking to Mercedes  today :) I'm really happy.

She doesn't talk to Dani much which makes it okay for me! I really missed her and I'm glad to be talking to her. She said she's gonna call me.

But I knew we were okay as soon as we started boy-talking lol

It's the little things right?

I don't really think she'll realize how much she hurt me by what had happened. How her just abandoning me kinda left me raw. I don't think I can consider anyone a best friend after that, which really upsets me since I have at least 2 people who consider me their best friends and there are a few who I keep very close to my heart.

I won't tell her either. I'm just happy to have her back in my life. I'm not gonna ruin it by talking sad stuff..

Well, I think I'm gonna start getting ready for the party. Maybe, soon probably :)

lol

Happiness

I forget what it's like to be happy for longer than a day, or a weekend. I want to be happy. I was pretty content before because I had 2/3: Good friends, Good job, but no boyfriend. And I was okay with that. There was some drama in the fraternity and other places, but overall I was okay. But I want to be happy. Now I have 1/3, I'm not happy now. I'm okay. I'm not miserable, but things could definitely be better.

I don't think I should have to try this hard to be happy.

When will things become easy?

My Future

I always wonder if there is a point to sitting through these theory classes. I don't have an interest anymore in learning the theory. I can see me becoming a music teacher, but I don't see me wanting it as much anymore. Is it because I've fallen behind in my theory classes? Right now, Dr. Sabre is lecturing - reviewing - and I don't understand anything of it. I'm kinda done being frustrated with it. I've just checked out. All I do is fill up space, I don't do the homework, I don't listen to the lecture, I'm not registered in the class. I'm just taking up space. Should I just stop showing up? I understand I have very little follow through with anything. When things don't get accomplished right away, I lose interest or get distracted. Things don't get done after that point.

I don't know what I want with my life. I decided to be a teacher because I think I could have made a difference that way, that I would have done well. But I've never been excited about it. Ever. My joy is serving Kappa Kappa Psi. Not the silly social activities we do, but the actual service, I like furthering the ideals of Kappa Kappa Psi, to bring music to the community. How can I make that a career? That is the big question. Nothing that I think of has a steady income. Maybe be an organization leader and have some generic Full Time job. That doesn't make me happy..

I don't know...

Theory is just not interesting to me. I have to enjoy it, I think, to make a career out of it.

How about being a personal assistant? I think I'd do well at that. And then on my own time run some sort of service organization.

So I guess what it comes down to is do I keep taking these classes?

It's odd. I don't feel sad. I guess just kinda anxious. I have no real solid idea of what I want with my life.

I know I'll probably get some resistance to my thinking, but I need to figure out what I want. I just don't know. Let's say I do drop out of the theory program. What do I do after that? Do I just take some general ed classes instead? Am I wasting more time?

All of my friends from the bay are finishing up their bachelors. They'll be graduating at the end of the semester. I'm still at a JC still trying to figure out what I want.

I'm getting kinda tired of being in limbo with my life. I like being in school, it's kinda a haven for me, but I'm just wasting time. I know it.

I think I need a life coach. lol