"Tribal mothers always tell their children that there are two kinds of anger: hot and cold. Boys and girls experience both, but as they grow up the angers separate according to the sex. Boys need hot anger to survive. They need the inclination to fight, the drive to sink the knife into the flesh, the energy  and initiative of fury. It's a requirement of hunting, of defense, of pride. Maybe sex too. And girls need cold anger. Thet need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the sidestepping of compromise. They need to know when they say something that they will never back down, ever, ever. It's the compensation for a more limited scope in the world. Cross a man and struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on - or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the universe is changed, once again, for cold anger requires an eternal vigilance in all matters of slight and defense."

"To the grim poor there need be no 'pour quoi' tale about where evil arises; it just arises; it always is. One never learns how the witch became wicked, or whether that was the right choice for her-is it ever the right choice? Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? It is at the very least a question of definitions."

(2/2) stopped following you for a reason!!! You're WEIRD! I'm not helping you get in MY section! BAH!!

(1/2) Can't post on FB or Twitter...
Omfg go away!!! I don't like talking to you! You make me uncomfortable and I don't want you to play in Night Band! I

You're the closest thing I have to a best friend and I don't like to see you so upset and lost. Please do what's best for you..

I know I haven't posted on here for a few days! Got sucked into Tumblr, I'll be sure to post a long post by the end of the weekend!

The Great are of Professional Westling!

Well this is different...

Batman doesn't always win..

I've Got A Theory

Giles
I've got a theory
That it's a demon 
A dancing demon 
No, something isn't right there. 

Ha!

Not a bad speller, but this is what my brain thinks of first!

LGBT Questioning..

If you were to transition to the opposite gender, what things about yourself do you imagine would change? What would change about your roles within your family and other social networks?

Currently working on a new blog that sparked my interest today...

Going Through the Motions - Buffy

Buffy:

Every single night, the same arrangement, I go out and fight the fight
Still I always feel this strange estrangement
Nothing here is real, Nothing here is right

HA just remembered another topic for my next long post..

Lazy sister.......

A cool link!

This is very interesting.... A lot of things about Music Theory!

It's raining, it's pouring;
The old man is snoring.
Bumped his head
And he went to bed
And he couldn't get up in the morning.

Rain, rain, go away;
Come again another day;
Little Johnny wants to play.

What you have been waiting for! The "Conversation" DUN DUN DUN

Victoria  ")>^__^)># I made you a waffle
#<(^__^<( But then i was like...
)>^#^<) I'm hungry.......
)>^__^)> So i ate it.
=D

You do realize you can't talk to people like that? They will eventually get tired of it and walk away. Thing is, I don't think you realize it. It's happened between us and you probably have no idea.

One day you will wake up and be all alone.

Quiz question
What's your style of food?
*Meaty goodness
#twss

Currently editing the conversation.. It got over 300.. Lol

Ridiculous Conversation Teaser Pt. 2

So whenever emails come in that are the same, Gmail groups them in a conversation... I've never seen it where it had to go into a second conversation for all the emails..

Ridiculous Conversation Teaser...

Conversation to come when it's actually done..... lol

My plan of ATTACK!

So I think I'm gonna try to post on here again.. But I don't have time throughout the week to post regularly. At least nothing of substance..

I think I'll just keep a notebook through the week and write what's been going on and post on weekends and post stupid little things, like pictures and links and whatnot throughout the week.

We'll see if I actually follow through with it.. Iunno lol

I recently bought a book and picked the wrong shipping method. I wrote to the seller 
"Comment/ Question: There is no problem right now. I'm emailing to request to change the shipping selection from Expedited to Standard. I clicked the wrong button. Please let me know if this is possible."


The response:
"It’s the service after the sale that counts!!! All orders are shipped out within 24 hours of being purchased (same business day) with the chosen method of shipment by the customer.  Standard rate takes 4 -14 business days to arrive depending on your location.  Expedited orders arrive within 3 – 6 business days.  International orders may take a few extra days to arrive depending on the country.   Our customer’s satisfaction is our number 1 priority!! If we can help you further please notify us.  We look forward to helping you with your future book needs."


So...... huh?? I'm confused....

Buffy Love!

Check out more Buffy icons here!

Chilling downstairs waiting for Bleach to start and watching American Dad while I wait. This is such a weird episode! "Bullocks to Stan" So dirty! Stan's boss and daughter hook up (over 40 year difference) and freely talk about their sex life.. AACKK! Waaaayyyy too much information!!

Anyways, I don't get internet connection down here so I'm gonna blog onto Notepad and copy and paste later. Buuuutttt so life..

Working on my post! Will be up tonight or sometime tomorrow, stay tuned!

Here's a pic for the weekend! I think I'm going to try to post more pics on here.. Obviously nothing important, just ones I think are funny :D

*Knock knock knock*

Helllo......

Hello my lonely blog! I pity you..

I'm too busy to post! haha Maybe one day I'll make time.

Now is not that time. So sad for you.

I'll bring you a cookie next time, promise.

I must go downstairs and watch Bleach and South Park! :D

I do <3 you my blog, promise. :D

It's funny. Haven't I made it clear I don't want to be involved in any of this drama? Dunno why you would think otherwise..

Trying out this new

Trying out this new app.... Iunno. We'll see. Anyways, uber bored. Help me out!

I get the feeling that he isn't interested in our friendship, at least right now. I'm the one that messages him, he never initiates it. I feel like I need to drag on the conversation.

I don't think he means to be mean. Maybe he just sees me as a source of some kind of drama. I wouldn't blame him after that incident at Easter. I know I'm clingy, and I know that's not attractive.

I keep wondering why I let myself get that way. I've never done that with any other guy. Maybe I'm just that lonely or maybe I'm subconciously trying to push him away. I dunno.

Anyways, after him telling me about the potential stroke I rethink all of my actions towards him. I'd like to find out what's going on and why he's not taking the effort. But I read he shouldn't be stressed out and I won't be the source of his stress.

So I'll be avoiding initiating contact with him. I hope he'll message me or text me, I do really want him in my life but I'm going to stop being stupid.

Oh I really hope this works out.

This is not a good thing.

There are way too many people in my life that I can't talk about certain things. I can't trust some people they're the biggest blabber mouths ever. God, I've learned my lesson last time.

Others just don't care about what goes on in my life.

This is sad that I actually need to blog in order to vent. There's hardly anyone I feel the ability to just say anything to. Always have to guard myself to protect my friendships.

I'm so irritated.

Meh.

I'm so irritated.

I'm entitled to my feelings. I'm worried about her and she doesn't think my opinion doesn't matter since I haven't been married.

I'm so pissed off right now. She doersn't seem to understand how upset I am, or at least she doesn't want to talk about it.

How can she live this life when she is so unhappy?

God damn, I don't want to deal with this. I need to drink again tonight. Good thing there will be more people tonight.

formspring.me

Going to go pick up sister, leave me a question? Please? http://formspring.me/bob88jrthe3rd03

formspring.me

Going to go pick up sister, leave me a question? Please? http://formspring.me/bob88jrthe3rd03

formspring.me

What a lame day, ask me a question or two http://formspring.me/bob88jrthe3rd03

You still have a formspring! That means I get to annoy you with annoying questions! First question. "Why?"

Why what?

Ask me anything

Favorite song to listen to?

On days like this when I'm stressed I like songs like Israel 'IZ' Kamakawiwo'ole - Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Very relaxing. Probably gonna listen to it for the rest of it the night.. lol

Ask me anything

formspring.me

Please help me kill some time. I'm just gonna delete this soon enough, I'm not getting any questions. http://formspring.me/bob88jrthe3rd03

formspring.me

Lame. Nothin again.. http://formspring.me/bob88jrthe3rd03

A goofy writer full of mystery and charm approaches you. Do you fall in love?

Oh no, I don't fall in love that easily. The person may capture my attention, but that's about all at first.

Ask me anything

formspring.me

Ohemgee.. I found 3 questions.. All time high.. lol Help me out! http://formspring.me/bob88jrthe3rd03

formspring.me

Ohemgee.. I found 3 questions.. All time high.. lol Help me out! http://formspring.me/bob88jrthe3rd03

Describe your perfect sundae?(example:sprinkles, chocolate shavings...)

Hmm.. I like getting Coffee Lovers from Cold Stone. I generally don't get sprinkles, not a big fan... lol

Ask me anything

Now I can haz cheezburger?

I don't know, do you deserve one?? Plus I see no funnay pectur...

Ask me anything

Would you use a Shake Weight if given one as a gift?

LOL That would be amazing if I got one as a gift! lol I would definitely use it, but just amongst those who I've been joking around about this. lol I'm sure some kind of video will be taken....

Ask me anything

who is Bob Jr. the 3rd??

Me!

Ask me anything

How big is too big?

It's not the size that matters, it's how you use it. Plus there's never too big. I play the bari!

Ask me anything

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/bob88jrthe3rd03

Why is Dr. Sabre so awesome?

>.> <.< .......Cuz....

Ask me anything

formspring.me

Sadness is finding an empty Inbox.. Fix that! http://formspring.me/bob88jrthe3rd03

????????

AnswerAnswerAnswerAnswerAnswerAnswerAnswerAnswerAnswerAnswerAnswerAnswerAnswer

Ask me anything

What are you wearing

Nunya business!

Ask me anything

formspring.me

Ask me questions! I'm bored right now lol Doo it! http://formspring.me/bob88jrthe3rd03

Trumpet or Trombone?

Ew. lol Hmmmm trombone I think :)

Ask me anything

formspring.me

I'm bored, ask me a question G-Dog http://formspring.me/bob88jrthe3rd03

If I'm a Kittah, I can haz cheezburger??

Kittah can type? Epic kittah, youz get a cheezburger!

Ask me anything

I know it's been a while. I don't feel like summing up the week right now, so I'm going to ramble about the right now.

Mercedes will be coming home instead for her birthday because of her mom, so now I get to plan her 21st! lol I'm excited, it's been a while since I got to plan a party. But I got distracted because I do plan on visiting her anyways. Maybe fly up with her when she leaves and drive back when Justin's parents come to visit. At least that's the plan.

I was going to take the train thinking that it's cheaper, but it's pretty much a flat $120 no matter how I do it. Whereas I can fly round trip for $120 or go one-way for $89 (plus taxes and fees). I may do that. But I need to find that money from somewhere. I dunno how this will work, but I really want to go!

For party, I'm thinking about different themes, or maybe just say 'screw the theme' lol everyone just wants to get drunk anyways. May just let her mom take over. Who knows. I sent her my phone number so hopefully I'll hear back from her soon.

So Avenue Q was amazing! Knowing all the songs, I was afraid that I wasn't going to be surprised or something. Everything was so much better seeing it live. There were things I never expected and I loved it lol

We went to Denny's afterwards where we hung out and had dinner. Lots of fun, I had a good time hanging out with Samantha's sister, Stacey. She tends to stay at home so I hope we can pull her out of her shell. lol

So after Symphonic Band KPsi met up because we had a Movie Night in the MSR building that we forgot about so we had to take care of that. Going to show The Hangover and Borne Ultimatum (or something like that lol, never seen it). We'll see how this goes lol Soooo last minute!

Tonight is the Alum Continued Ed thing after Night Band. He should be here, even though I never heard anything confirming this. We'll see. I have my own obligations to worry about, I'll worry about dealing with him later. I know we'll be fine publicly. We showed that before. But I think things may be a bit tense, just a little, since I actually don't want to see him unless he's going to appologize or explain, or something.. He made me feel like an idiot..

Thankfully no one knows what happened, should make things not as awkward.

Anyways, right now just killing time until 4:30, gonna grab some dinner with Samantha and Will at a Taquerilla to show him a proper Mexican restaurant lol

Today is such a dull day!


Oh! I almost forgot! So my tax refund came in a couple days ago. Yesterday I deposited it into the bank, took out some cash. Paid my grandpa $300 for car payments, paid my parents $60 for phone payments, paid Maki $20 for MACCC , and finished paying for school! Yes! Next is paying my parking ticket and my credit card bill. I can't wait until I'm done. Maybe I'll get car insurance again. I almost filled up my tank last night. I spent a lot of money! lol All necessary though (except maybe dinner last night lol - oh and dinner tonight....) I'm glad to not be so money crunched though. It's so relaxing!

Not having to worry about all this crap happening on top of my personal relationships makes it so much easier.. It really does. I'm not as stressed out.

I hate how money affects me as it does. I would just be happy if I spent my money on other people. But I have bills so it sucks big time..

So on Friday, right after I posted on here, I got a text from him asking if he could call me. I didn't see it until I starting walking back to Percussion Ensemble. I called him and he pretty much said it was because he didn't feel a spark. I was so confused that I just said 'okay' and pointed out there was nothing I could say to change his mind so whatever. I was upset.

During rehearsal I just did what I was told, but I wasn't really talking to anyone.

I told Samantha and then Bean. But then I was thinking, how could there be no 'spark'? He was the one that was flirting with me for months, he was the one who kissed me first, he was the one who, very obviously, wanted to go all the way in the back seat of my car, he flirted with me throughout the week, he asked me out on a date, and kissed me again. HOW can there not be a spark? That doesn't make any sense to me.

He hasn't contacted me (except for the stupid FB pokes, which I'm ignoring since we've had an inside joke about pokes that was very much flirtatious), and I've missed him. But I'm very hurt and I wish he would just text me.

I'm wondering how tomorrow will go. We have the Continued Ed class tomorrow night after Night Band that he's supposed to do with Mary. I've been talking to Mary about it, not him. Wonder if she's expecting me to be talking to him too. It's not too weird of a expectation seeing how I usually talk to him the most and everyone knows it. With my luck, I'll be the one to blame if he's not there. I'll bring it up tonight with her tonight at the show.

I'm excited about tonight though. Avenue Q is happening! I've been waiting for this for ages! lol

Oh! And I talked to Mercedes a couple of nights ago for a few hours. Great stuff. I'm so happy to be back in contact with her. She did exactly what I wanted her to do when I told her what was going on. She was upset and tried to find reasoning. I mean, obviously, she didn't say anything that I didn't think already, but I'm glad she cares enough to make an effort to help me out. She was my best friend for so many years, and this is why.

I dunno what I feel about her. I mean, I've said it before, I don't think I can consider anyone else my 'best friend' after her, but having her back in the picture confuses me. After this last year of not talking, how can I put her back in that place? We really should talk things out that troubled me before we fell apart, maybe my opinion with change after that.

But having her back in my life really feels like that empty puzzle spot just got filled again. I missed her so much and I didn't really know it. I'm glad she's back.

I'm thinking about trying to visit her for her birthday in July with her family when they visit. I'd really like to. Plus I'm glad to hear that Justin is shaping up just how I expected he would, a loser. Mercedes is working and without his parents around to clean up after him, she's going insane from dealing with him. I mean, I hope things work out where she's happy, but I never thought he was good enough for her. He was a loser then, and he's a loser now.

Well I'm out. Gotta finish the transaction for Avenue Q at the Center. I'm really excited and I can't wait to see the show tonight. I know he was thinking about watching the show, but I think that was at my encouragement, I might now be the reason that he won't go now. Who knows.

Later!

I miss him..

I'll post a longer post later..

Hmm I should bite my tongue. He just broke it off with me...

Yesterday was a long looonnggg day. Concert went pretty well. I think I did pretty well. Made a couple really stupid mistakes, but no biggie.

He didn't end up making it, which isn't that big of a deal, I didn't think he'd end up going. Plus he was with his mom, not too bothered. I was busy after the concert cleaning up and then chatting with Maki, I just wanted to go home afterwards. The other brothers there decided to go bowling, I decided against that too. "Bonding" they said. lol I said I've already bonded with you guys, I'm tired of you all! SLEEP! lol

So I went home and watched a little TV and ate a ton since I ate a little bit throughout the day (2 Hot Pockets the entire day x.x). Nico kept trying to buy me meals, I kept telling him no. I'm worried he's growing much more attached than he should be. I don't want to tell him cold that I'm not interested. Plus I can't say that I'm unavailable... Even though, in my mind, I am.

I'm so sleepy.. I'm on campus doing the Percussion Ensemble because Maki asked me too, but I really don't feel like throwing on another ensemble.. I already want to drop Saxophones. I'm glad MACCC is done, one less thing to worry about. I dunno, I'm just mentally checking out on everything here on campus..

I want to go home...

Oh, something that put a smile on my face, he got rid of 'single' on his status on FB :) I did that last week lol

I wish he would text me. I miss him and I wish I could see him. I'm hoping I can see him tonight. He likes Mic Gilette, I hope he goes. I should be able to get him a free ticket, but he needs to contact me. I sent him a bunch of text last night but I never heard back from him..

I'm too clingy lol But I like hearing from him when I go to sleep, I always sleep with a smile when I do.

Alrighty, I'm good for now. I found him on FB chat, I shall harass lol

I miss him lol..

He's out with his mom right now. Hopefully he can make it to the concert.

He said he'd try.. I doubt we'd act couply anyways, everyone would be around so I don't expect it. But it'd be nice lol

Good way to tell everyone that we're dating lol

Wow it's been a bit since I last posted...

The parentals had to get rid of the interwebs for the phones so it's been tough to keep up with anything. I haven't checked FaceBook since then. Life has been so slow since then! Le'sigh... :( lol

But let's see... So we had a date on Tuesday after I got out of my lesson. He picked me up and we went to Fuzio's. Which btw, isn't that great, which I could have told him, but he was determined to keep it a secret lol Major dork! But he made me try callamari. I pretty much mean made.. I really didn't want to try it.. I mean it's octopus! But we had good chat, and I gave him a hard time over every little thing (duh lol) So it was fun :)

And then we went to Brenden's to watch Shutter Island. Weird movie btw. I never had heard of it. But it was pretty good. We got all hand holdy cuddly about 2/3 through the movie and I was happy :) lol Left the place with him holding my side and then my hand. It was cute :) lol

We left after and he took me to my car, right before hand a little bit of kissing and he walked me to my car (it was raining and he was holding his umbrella.

Over a good night! lol

So we text regularly still, nothing big since then since I've been busy with the honor band that MJC is hosting here. That's been insane! lol They had to move the percussion over at 9 (I slept in, which I felt a little guilty about) and then they taped up all their signs. I had to finish making the audition folders since Maki was freaking out. After was a pretty long waiting game. I didn't feel the need to audition since I'm on Bari Sax, but now I'm kinda wishing I did since there's freaking 5 Baris... How annoying!

The band is very good as usual. I think Dr. Hammer's methods are very interesting. I've never seen anything like him. I'm pretty impressed with the different things he was able to accomplish in just a day and a half.

I like the music, I'm not all that happy how Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia- happy he is, but then again he's a brother of theirs. At least with the High School Honor Band, he raved Kappa Kappa Psi while we were there. That was nice. Oh well, but the music is pretty good. I'm tired of The Sinfonians and His Honor. His Honor is a MoBand standard and we played Sinfonians last year in Night Band (lame!). But the other 2 are amazing. I'm excited to hear how we'll perform it tonight.

Anyways, the other Bari Saxes seem okay. One I know from playing with him last year, but he was a prick then and still is.. But the 2 on either side of me are pretty kick ass. A lot of fun, then again they're straight out of high school, so they don't know any better lol. The other guy... I forget he's ever there lol He's so quiet, and he's not too spectacular of a player, he doesn't talk to us much. I wish I auditioned, no one else did so I would have gotten it, but I do think I can hold my own pretty well with these guys. I think in some ways I'm better than them. That one prick has the worst tone ever (and I play on plastic!), the guy between us doesn't seem too spectacular, but haven't heard much wrong. The guy on the other side of us is a good performer, but he misses little things like key signature and dynamics. And that last guy.. lol Like I said, I dunno!

I'm kinda happy how I've progressed since last year. I can very much see it, I'm not as timid about my playing like last year. In fact, I get annoyed at how the others play. I'm proud of myself lol

Well the concert is gonna be at 7:30, MJC bands have rehearsal at 6:00 and I need to get ready for that. So I'll be off to get ready.

Any more posts will be baby posts I send in by text!

I'm excited about this afternoon! I don't know what's gonna happen, but I'm just happy to have some alone time with him :)

I do believe I have a date on Tuesday! I dunno! But I'm uber excited! We'll be getting together and he'll be surprising me lol

Heaven, I'm in heaven...

lol I love being this happy!

My night still got better! I got home and found the new season of FMA on! Yay! And then Buffy! I'm getting sleepy :) He needs to hurry up and respond ^^

Had a great time tonight! I got to hang out with Kelly and James. Played Snowboard Kids and whooped their butts (for the most part, James beat me one time). They played Super Smash Brothers to finish up the video games.

James left for a little bit after dinner and Kelly and I had some good girl bonding time. Chatted about the brief bit of the drama from the last semester. I told her about my little problems from the last week. Nothing to extreme, just my little bit of feelings. It was nice :)

James came back and we finished the night with a couple episodes of Chuck. She liked it too! lol Made plans for next Friday night, gotta drag him there lol Should be another dose of fun :)

I feel a lot better, he was texting me throughout the night and I had a smile on my face that entire time. I do need to ask what happened this last week, and I do plan on it, but I'm going to enjoy my little bit of happy. :)

Good night all! <3

It's amazing. He text me like a normal convo and all the anxiety just lifted. Nothing has been discussed, but just seeing his text makes me feel better.

Found a decent distraction. I forgot I had Kingdom Hearts 2! lol But I'm just trying to finish the damn mini-games. I hate mini-games..

I think I'm blowing chunks at this lol

I'm gonna be ready for a nap if I keep this up. It's been a while since I last played. I think I'll work on this for a while. Put in some Family Guy (which I've discovered is not really a funny show. It's the same thing over and over again.. Meh lol) that I got for my b-day and maybe do some cleaning. Who knows.

Kelly invited me over for some video games this evening, but I'm debating on cancelling. I'm really not good company right now. Yesterday I was being some serious dead weight on Samantha, but I just didn't want to be home with my mom yelling at me.

Hmm what to do, what to do.

For now I shall continue KH2! lol

Maybe find some better mini-games... Grr... Damn mini-games!

You know, if it wasn't for food, I'd be quite content to just stay in bed all weekend..

He won't be talking to me today for sure. He's got plans with his friend that's gonna be taking up the rest of the day. In the past, he'd text me and send me pics of what he's up to, but I seriously doubt it today.

I don't want to call him out for being such a jerk to me. Because who knows, maybe he's just trying to figure shit out and he'll contact me when he's ready. I'd rather wait and maybe something good would come of this.

I hope so at least.

I think I'm gonna talk to Mary about this later in the week. He's gonna be furious if/when I do. She's very protective of me and would bitch him out if she knew what was up. He already got upset when I tell her stupid shit like 'he's teasing me' or something. This would definately ruin any chance we had.

I dunno what to do.

God I'm miserable.

And now I'm getting pissed off. He's ignoring my text. He responded to the official one quickly enough, but when I ask him why so quiet, he's silent.

I cannot believe how miserable I am. I'm at Samantha's and I figured that if I just stay in her company I'll feel better. I think she's starting to get tired of all the shit I'm bitching I'm doing. I feel bad so I'm just trying to stop bitching outloud.

Why won't he text me?? I haven't seen him online. Even then I wouldn't message him.


I feel like he's leading me on, he made me happy for that night. Just holding me, making me feel wanted. And now I feel like I've never been lonlier.

I was okay being single for so long, I've been used to not emotionally rely on anyone. Not to an extreme. I've opened myself up to him and then at the pure idea of us being together made me so happy. I had a sense of release and now I'm just in limbo.. I'm so freaking miserable.

He better god damn talk to me tonight. I swear I'm about to freaking cry from all the moods from this week. I don't know how much more I can take.

I really don't want to go tonight.. I don't want to see him right now. I just wish he would text me. I'm really unhappy.

He still hasn't text me. I'm really upset and annoyed. I'm trying to not be the one to text, but I miss him.

I get attached too fast.

So I never ended up texting him. I fell asleep right after I posted. Sad thing is he never text me. I was hoping I'd see his name in my missed texts when I woke up and I'm still pretty upset over that.

I don't want to be the forward one and just keep texting him, I want him to bug me. Like he used to.. I am starting to regret what happened between us, as amazing as it was, because I feel like I'm losing a very important friend because my mentality and attitude has changed about him. I'm overthinking everything I do to try to seem casual and relaxed, but instead I look overbearing and borderline crazy.

He wants to keep this quiet for now because he's a private guy. I completely respect that. I was thinking that myself since my friends tend to meddle too much in other people's lives. But he's barely acknowledging me. I'm scared that he's just gonna have his one night with me and them act like it never happened. He said we should go on a date, so he *wants to be with me?* I dunno..

I really am okay with some things. I'm okay that he wants to keep it quiet, I'm okay that we haven't had a chance to set up a date. I'm okay that he's not my 'boyfriend'. I'm a little bummed out that 'private' probably means lack of PDA. Sorry, but I've always liked kissing and holding my boyfriends hands with other people around. But I'll survive, that's not a biggie. What I'm not okay with is the serious lack of attention I've been receiving from him. I'd imagine he'd maybe just give me a look, or something, when people are around, just to show he's thinking of me. Or maybe random cute texts from him. But, seriously, I'm not getting anything. I'm not okay with the fact that I feel very trashy from Tuesday. I feel that since we haven't done anything or said anything since, that I was supposed to be a one night stand. I feel dirty because of it. He's not that guy. I know he isn't. And I'm terrified because I'm afraid to be proved wrong. I really hate this.

I care about him and he's always on my mind. I always want to talk to him but I don't want to be clingy.

I'm sure once I see some kind of action, one way or another, I can deal and move forward. Whether it's dating him or hating him. I really hope it's the former.. I really really do.

Anyways, I'm waiting to hear back from Samantha. I'm gonna avoid texting him today I think. Or at least, let him text first.

I hate being a girl sometimes. I know I overreact because of it. My mind goes into overdrive and spewing out all these insane scenerios. I'm fully well-aware that I'm doing it, but I can't do anything about it. I need something from him to calm me down. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

I'm just so confused what to do right now. I really feel like I'm just overthinking all of this, but that still just leaves me so freaking confused.

I invited him to join me and Kelly to go play video games and he said he couldn't since he already had plans. He very sincerly appologized and I pretty much brushed him off saying 'Don't worry, it was nothing'. I was hurt. While asking him, I said 'I was hoping we'd be able to hang out'.

I mean, look what we did! He expected, I think, that'd I'd just throw myself to him to have his way. I swear, if I was younger I might have. But I let him fool around, but I drew the line. I hadn't been kissed or touched like that in years, I let more of myself go than I meant to I think. Right now I don't regret it. I feel like it'll work out. But he hasn't really talked to me or looked at me that way since. I was hoping that after the thing at Wing Stop he'd invite me to go hang out with him or some other bullshit. I needed him to hold me. He touched me and now I barely get his attention. I'm borderline miserable right now.

He's a good guy, I know it. But I need something from him to not let me feel so trashy. If he just held my hand for a second or just look at me that way, just to remind me he cares about me, I'd be okay I think.

Even just a text with his little dorky nicknames or insults, or a phone call. We text okay, but it's so... I dunno.. formal sounding?

Anyways, so I'm somewhat cold to him I suppose. He never responded (which, granted, isn't that weird, gets stuck playing video games lol) to any of my texts from a few hours ago. He usually would send a stupid smiley to shows he acknowledged it. But nothing :( I feel so stupid. I dunno how tomorrow is gonna work, but tonight is sucking. The last few nights I've been talking to him right before I go to sleep, tonight, I'm not hearing from him. I don't like not talking to him.

God, I am clingy.. Maybe I should back off. I dunno.. He said we should go on a date, but we haven't made any plans. Personally, I consider us 'dating' yet we haven't dated, but I definately don't consider him a boyfriend.

I should just go to sleep and forget about this.. I doubt I'll sleep that well thinking he's mad at me. No, he's rarely 'mad' at me. Just when I don't alter my opinion to his liking lol. He'll have to get used to that lol

I'm thinking about sending another text.

Or I could just almost fall asleep like I just did lol

Okay, sleepytime. For now I suppose. I'm still thinking about texting him..

Wish he would talk to me. I feel like I'm clingy, but I want to talk to him. I really hope I don't regret what happened between us. I really care about him.

They want me to head over :) I can't wait to see him lol

I hope it's a good thing of why they want me to come....

Now I'm nervous...

I trust them, it should be okay.

Fwd:
Sent: Feb 18 5:21pm
Msg: Samantha Christine Molina "A butt can't be cute, it's a butt." (Diary of a Whimpy Kid commercial).

Had a great lunch with Mary. Hanging out with Samantha now :) I luffs my buddies. More to come!

I need some water.. It'll settle my tummy..

So I never ended up falling asleep last night after talking to him. I just couldn't get my mind to shut down. When I started getting ready later that morning, I was fine. Smiling and happy (he was still on my mind). I made myself a mocha to treat myself for getting ready this morning and had a proper breakfast. I took Daniella to school and then went on my way to school.

When I was halfway there, it hit me hard on how tired I was. I couldn't believe it. So I got to campus, found my parking spot and just fell asleep. I text Heather to call me so I could make it to Theory since I usually ignore my alarm lol. I couldn't believe I fell asleep in my car lol. Never thought I'd be able to.

So now Sabre is all pissy at me for missing Aural again and not doing my homework.. Meh..

Oh, and that nice mocha I made? Is making me feel sick.. Lame..

Wow, I'm happy. I hope this works out, I really do. I can't stop smiling. I wish I could be more vocal about it, but it's not the right time. Very soon, I hope.

At Jan's Mardi Gras and feeling a little stupid. I crave his attention, but I won't do anything about it. She's just a flirt and he's just having a good time.

Yay for Rekindled Friendships!

So I started talking to Mercedes  today :) I'm really happy.

She doesn't talk to Dani much which makes it okay for me! I really missed her and I'm glad to be talking to her. She said she's gonna call me.

But I knew we were okay as soon as we started boy-talking lol

It's the little things right?

I don't really think she'll realize how much she hurt me by what had happened. How her just abandoning me kinda left me raw. I don't think I can consider anyone a best friend after that, which really upsets me since I have at least 2 people who consider me their best friends and there are a few who I keep very close to my heart.

I won't tell her either. I'm just happy to have her back in my life. I'm not gonna ruin it by talking sad stuff..

Well, I think I'm gonna start getting ready for the party. Maybe, soon probably :)

lol

Happiness

I forget what it's like to be happy for longer than a day, or a weekend. I want to be happy. I was pretty content before because I had 2/3: Good friends, Good job, but no boyfriend. And I was okay with that. There was some drama in the fraternity and other places, but overall I was okay. But I want to be happy. Now I have 1/3, I'm not happy now. I'm okay. I'm not miserable, but things could definitely be better.

I don't think I should have to try this hard to be happy.

When will things become easy?

My Future

I always wonder if there is a point to sitting through these theory classes. I don't have an interest anymore in learning the theory. I can see me becoming a music teacher, but I don't see me wanting it as much anymore. Is it because I've fallen behind in my theory classes? Right now, Dr. Sabre is lecturing - reviewing - and I don't understand anything of it. I'm kinda done being frustrated with it. I've just checked out. All I do is fill up space, I don't do the homework, I don't listen to the lecture, I'm not registered in the class. I'm just taking up space. Should I just stop showing up? I understand I have very little follow through with anything. When things don't get accomplished right away, I lose interest or get distracted. Things don't get done after that point.

I don't know what I want with my life. I decided to be a teacher because I think I could have made a difference that way, that I would have done well. But I've never been excited about it. Ever. My joy is serving Kappa Kappa Psi. Not the silly social activities we do, but the actual service, I like furthering the ideals of Kappa Kappa Psi, to bring music to the community. How can I make that a career? That is the big question. Nothing that I think of has a steady income. Maybe be an organization leader and have some generic Full Time job. That doesn't make me happy..

I don't know...

Theory is just not interesting to me. I have to enjoy it, I think, to make a career out of it.

How about being a personal assistant? I think I'd do well at that. And then on my own time run some sort of service organization.

So I guess what it comes down to is do I keep taking these classes?

It's odd. I don't feel sad. I guess just kinda anxious. I have no real solid idea of what I want with my life.

I know I'll probably get some resistance to my thinking, but I need to figure out what I want. I just don't know. Let's say I do drop out of the theory program. What do I do after that? Do I just take some general ed classes instead? Am I wasting more time?

All of my friends from the bay are finishing up their bachelors. They'll be graduating at the end of the semester. I'm still at a JC still trying to figure out what I want.

I'm getting kinda tired of being in limbo with my life. I like being in school, it's kinda a haven for me, but I'm just wasting time. I know it.

I think I need a life coach. lol